Are Your
Communication and Listening Skills
Up to Snuff?
Good communication and listening skills are paramount to solving problems that are certain to arise in every marriage.
Listening is probably the single most important skill needed to effectively communicate. Yet listening is the one skill that most people have least mastered.
Why?
When conversing, we hear the person speaking to us. But are we listening? Studies have shown most people only hear about half the words being said to them. Of these words, we comprehend only half of them. When asked later to recall the original message, the average person remembers only about a quarter of the message, as they understood it. [1] Do the math:
According to these studies,
only about six percent of the original message spoken to the recipient
can be recalled accurately!
WOW!
No wonder so many people complain that their spouses never listen to them! Our communication and listening skills are woefully deficient. Each of us may be hearing the voice, but the intended meaning is almost completely lost.
Often, in conversations with our partner, the breakdown in communication and listening occurs because:
- We “know” what our spouse is going to say.
After the first few words, we assume the rest of the message. We say to ourselves, “There she goes again complaining about me leaving the toilet seat up.” But, in fact, she may be trying to communicate something totally different. We missed it though, because of our poor communication and listening skills.
- We are seeking confirmation, not information.
We are listening for our spouse to validate our assumptions, thoughts, or beliefs. When the information received isn’t what we expected, or if the information conflicts with our presumptions, we “short circuit.” We cease listening until we can mentally integrate our prior beliefs with what we were just told.
- What’s being said is getting in the way of what needs to be said.
We may be waiting for the sender to get to the point or the punch-line. Maybe we’re expecting a particular message, and are anxious to hear it. For example, your spouse erred and now you deserve an apology. Your spouse approaches you with a sheepish grin and starts talking. Because you expect to hear an apology, but haven’t yet, what’s being said is getting in the way of what you need to hear. Thus, you’re not absorbing most of the message.
- Our concentration is focused on our next response, rather than on the message we should now be listening to.
We’ve all done it, especially during an argument. We want to “win,” so we think about our retort. We focus on our counter attack, instead of listening and trying to understand the message. This only exacerbates our poor communication and listening skills. These verbal volleys often get quite heated and never resolve the issue at hand.
- We are distracted.
The TV is on, the baby is crying, we have a splitting headache. For whatever reason, we just can’t give our full attention to “hearing” the message.
It may be difficult to change your poor listening habits; but your marriage is well worth the investment. So how can you get to be a good listener? How can you improve your communication and listening skills?
You can start by following these Ten Rules of Effective Listening Skills.
[1] Effective Communication, Bulletin #6103, The University of Main Cooperative Extension, May 2004.
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