Talking About Money is More Effective
when Using these
Simple Communications Skills

When talking about money, what we say is not always as important as how we say it. Your tone, inflection, pitch and body language, as well as the words you’ve chosen, all affect how your spouse receives your message.

When discussing financial issues, especially if you know it’s a touchy subject, be careful how you deliver your message. Think before talking about money. Be aware of your mannerisms. And choose your words carefully.

It often helps to start your sentences with “I” instead of “You”.
By starting your sentence with:

“I feel___ when you…”
“I believe___ would be better than…”
“I would like if you…”
or even, “I’m frustrated when you…”

Then your spouse is more likely to hear your message rather than a verbal attack.

So when talking about money, instead of:

• “You’re spending way too much money on our children’s birthday parties! Shorten the guest list and eliminate the cotton candy machine.”
  The tone here is too commanding and implies that your spouse’s feelings or desires concerning this party are unimportant. So although my wife does go overboard when it comes to planning our kid’s parties, it would be more effective if I said:
  “This party is over budget. I would like it if we determined where some costs could be cut.”



• “If you don’t stop charging, I’m going to cancel the credit cards!”
  Warning or threatening messages imply one spouse is dominant, where as the other must submit. In addition to having disrespectful overtones, the warning could backfire since the spouse on the receiving end may be inclined to do the opposite just for spite. (Admit it. You’ve done that too.)
  A more effective approach would have been:
  “When I open the credit card bill, I’m frustrated by all of your charges. It puts us over budget and I’m nervous we won’t be able to pay all of our bills this month.”



• “You really shouldn’t buy so much clothing for the kids. They outgrow them before wearing them out anyway.”
  OR
  “It would be a lot less expensive if instead of always buying the kids clothes, you spent some time and made the outfits yourself.”
  

  (SIDEBAR: As I write this, I can’t help but laugh. The day my wife actually decides to stitch her own clothes for the family…)
  

  A preaching message or one delivered with a condescending tone that tells what ought to be done, results in resistance, defensiveness and often a returned statement telling you what to do with yourself.
  Instead try something like:
  “I’m sure that with your talent and abilities, you can fashion an outfit for the kids that would look as sharp as any sold in the boutiques.”
  (Actually, if I said that, she’d still tell me what to do with myself.)




• “If you didn’t spend so much time every day on the phone talking to your mother, you’d probably get a lot more done.”
  Gentlemen, note this very well: A woman does NOT want you to solve her problems, especially when it’s only YOU that thinks it’s a problem.



• “Honey!” (Not the adjective I used.) “Why is every light and TV in the house turned on, when you’re not even in these rooms?!?!?”
  Criticizing and judgmental statements can make your spouse feel inadequate or inferior. Besides, if such statements are plentiful, they will eventually fall on deaf ears.
  Your spouse might be more accommodating if you said:
  “I hate wasting electricity when no one is using it. Besides, it’s expensive! It would make me very happy if you would be more conscientious."

  Or, you can try a favorite of mine that my Grandfather used to say all the time:
  “SHUT OFF THOSE GOD-DAMNED LIGHTS!! YOU THINK I OWN STOCK IN THE ELECTRIC COMPANY OR SOMETHING?!?!?”




• “It’s so hot in here, you idiot, because even with the AC on full blast, you left all the windows open and its 90 degrees outside!”
  Name calling and ridicule will only cause anger, hurt feelings and even hostility.
  Try being more tactful by saying:
  “I believe the AC would be more effective if you shut all the windows first. (You idiot.) – No dear, I didn’t say anything.”

But we’re getting better…

So when talking about money – take a deep breath and think first.

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